So I’m back from what feels like a 2 week hiatus.
Guess I owe you an explanation as to where I was.
I took a much needed vacation to my father’s native, Jamaica, W.I.
This trip also “happened” to fall on July 19th, my 2*th Birthday.
The trip lasted only 5 days, but I learned some very important things along the way.
I flew Jet Blue down to JA.
While boarding I realized we had a hot pilot. I fully understood the concept of the “Mile High Club”.
While approaching my seat (an aisle seat– I truly can’t take what might mean being stuffed between a walrus &…another walrus) someone was already parked in it. An older Caribbean woman with a mustache. I was polite in letting her know she was occupying the wrong space, and was met with this response:
“Just sit here” she grumbled, her mustache finger pointing to the middle seat. I gave her a look and retorted “No, I can’t sit there.” I was ready to drive this into an argument since she’d already (unnecessarily) given me attitude, but she complied.
Getting off the plane I noticed the hot pilot looking at me. I smile and say thank you. This moment was ruined by one thing– the woman in front of me wheeling one of those stupid f*cking rolling bookbags down the aisle entirely too slowly.
He caught me.
2 reactions came to mind: 1. I need to choke this woman. 2. I should have fallen. That way, I could’ve struck up a convo about how clumsy I was, blah, blah, blah, we would’ve joked, then he would of been sucked into my undeniable charm.
But none of that happened. We smiled again, I said thanks again, and with the woman out of the danger zone, I sashayed off the plane.
I stayed in 3 places:
-Goat Hill, St. Mary: Or “Goat ‘ill” as the natives say. My grandparents’ house. In the middle of the country nowhere. Goats chill with you, just like people would.
-The RIU Hotel & Resort, Ocho Rios. A beautiful 5-star, all-inclusive resort. There was no reason to drink anything else but alcohol. And if the 13 bars & restaurants weren’t enough to keep me occupied, there was a stocked mini bar & liquor attached to the wall on top of it. Amen.
-Kingston. A beautiful home on Manning’s Hill Road is where I completed this trip. For lack of dragging out this explanation, let’s just call them my Godparents.
It was relaxing. Yet even on vacation, you can learn so much. What did I learn this go ’round?
-Approx. 65% of Jamaican men are toothless
-Mosquitoes can smell American blood
-So can natives
-Little people with big accents are fun
-Airplane TV is apparently the only place where people will watch Sarah McClachlan. Not voluntarily, but because they have to. From the same hellraisers people that brought us Macy Gray, We get Sarah. For 1 hour because we are outside the Direct TV service zone. Wasn’t that f*ckin sad-ass cat commercial enough??
-It was. Jet Blue redeemed themselves by showing “Date Night” on the way back
-Not too sure about my father’s sentiments on the Japanese, but at least now he likes their food. (Though he’s not yet ready to graduate to Sushi)
-Ask me what he said about the dinner. I promise it translates much better in person
-Even when you think they are not watching, the hotel staff is eyeballing you
-With an 85-to-1 exchange rate, I can go to Jamaica & live like a queen off of $153
-Falling in front of a group of hot guys does not always result in embarrassment (yes, this is different from the plane slip)
-I love hotels. I love the way they smell. I love the way they make your clothes smell
-iPhones take pretty good pictures under duress
-Flush only when necessary
-The U.S. appears to be the only country with stringent statutory rape laws
-Don’t eat ox tail in the same place where they have slot machines
-On the way back, I had a bit of a snafu and boarded the plane last…like-they’re-calling-your-name-on-the-loudspeaker-like-someone’s-lost-kid-at-the-mall-last. I had a Ginger flight attendant. From the moment I boarded she it had it out for me
-Ginger kids suck in all aspects of life, especially those requiring service and accomodation
There are many more glimmers of insight to come. Just look at the pictures for now.
I know it’s long, but you asked.